Hands Free is not for me!

I have not written on this blog in years but it's about time I did! This is a great place to start, I think. I came across an interesting blog called Hands Free Mama. At first I loved it, but upon reading more I was not so sure. I think she has a lot of important things to say and I respect her decisions for her family. I think she's encouraging a lot of women and means well, but there was just a bit of a feeling of "the mommy wars" on reading more on her blog - particularly in the comments. I just don't think there is a "one size fits all" approach to mothering, even when it comes to technology. And she and 99% of her followers are not homeschool moms, so they have a whole different lifestyle and perspective than we do. It's a lot harder (an more unnecessary) to do as she advocates when you don't have 6-7 hours of free time while your kids are in school to get your technology fix. She doesn't advocates NO technology time - - especially since she's a blogger - just that we use it only when our kids are not around. That's about impossible for a homeschool mom! Anyway, this is what I posted on her blog, and I've decided that I'm NOT going "hands free", after all! Enjoy: I think there are some wonderful gems of insight and advice in what you have to say and I applaud you for both your decision to change your and your family's life and for encouraging others. BUT I think both your blog and the comments could be yet another version of "the mommy wars" and could heap even more guilt on some already overburdened moms. I don't think that's your intent at all, but it could feel that way to some women - and some of the comments from your readers, especially, sound a bit "holier-than-thou". We each have different and very individual lives and to make assumptions about others who you see briefly in public is ludicrous. So you see a mom on her phone for 5 minutes or even an hour and you automatically label her "bad mom" - assuming she always "ignores" her kids and loves her "gadgets" more than them? Shame on you! How hypocritical. Maybe, like me, she's a homeschool mom whose six kids don't or didn't even go to school at all. Maybe this mom is with her kids 24/7 and spends 4-6 hours a day homeschooling them, including a couple hours a day just reading aloud quality literature to them. Instead of public or private school PE, extra-curricular classes and field trips this mom may be part of a homeschool co-op where the parents run the weekly PE class and arrange and conduct the field trips and extra classes. She doesn't have the luxury of all that uninterrupted time while her kids are in school to have her "technology time" - to work, catch up on emails, make phone calls and yes, even to take a few minutes to read blogs like this or connect with friends and family on Facebook. The busy homeschooling mom doesn't get out to a job every day so FB can be our hangout, water cooler, lunch date, "teacher's lounge" or whatever. And also, like me, she may be a military wife with parents and siblings in one state, grown kids and grandkids in another, and herself, her husband and their younger kids in yet another. That just may be her oldest daughter whom she loves and hasn't seen in a year that she's talking or texting to, or new pictures of her grandbaby she's looking at on Facebook. Or maybe she's talking to her mother, whom she hasn't seen in four years, or her best friend, who moved to Puerto Rico two years ago and the ONLY way they can connect is through FB or email, while living in vastly different time zones, no less. Maybe she's texting her teenaged son about something important or her pre-teen daughter, to check on her. Or maybe she's emailing or talking to her husband who's on deployment in Iraq - or sending him pictures of their 4 month old child, whom he hasn't even met yet. All of those have been me, at one time or another, and it's insulting that someone might happen by me for a brief moment of my life and judge me as a "bad mom" for being on my iPhone. And maybe this "bad mom" even has a part-time job, or other important responsibilities - volunteer or church positions, kids' activities to coordinate - and maybe there are important emails to answer, notes to take down on her iPad, appointments to schedule in her calendar on her phone, a checkbook register to balance on the phone, homeschool planning to do, dinner menus to prepare, books to read on her Kindle app, shopping to do - the list is endless... And maybe, rather than take away from "homeschool time" or "family time" or whatever, she chooses to use little snatches of time here and there throughout the day to get the same "work" done that moms whose kids go to school get 6-7 hours of uninterrupted time to do. A few minutes "plugged in" while in the doctors office or while standing in line does NOT mean this mom always ignores her kids. And instead of taking little snippets of "quality time" with her kids while waiting at the doctors this mom is spending lots of "quantity time" with her kids every day, all day, which IS quality time, too. So who is the better mom - the one who puts away her iPhone to spend "quality time" with her kids after they've been away at school for 6 hours, or the one sitting in the doctor's office on her iPhone, after she just spent 6 hours homeschooling her kids? Neither is better! They both are the best mom for their kids, and when and how they use technology is a very individual decision. Work or don't work, breast or bottle, homeschool or public school, hands-free or not - it's all the same to me - a way to judge ourselves against other women and make ourselves feel better because we're not like them. And please, don't get me started on sporting events! My youngest daughter competed in gymnastics for three years, until I realized how ridiculous it was. You can drive 6 hours each way, stay in a hotel overnight and spend 1o -12 hours at a gymnastics meet, only to watch YOUR child compete for less that 10 minutes total! Even to watch your child's entire team takes under an hour. The truth is that 99% of the kids are only there to make the other kids look good and everyone is bored out of their minds, kids included. I only wish I'd had my iPhone when my daughter was competing and when I realized what a joke and colossal waste of time "team sports" are I pulled her out. It was the best decision we ever made. Same story, different sport with little league, and now we use that time for FAMILY time, but I digress.... Everyone here is reading this blog and the comments - maybe on a computer or maybe on an iPhone. "Making a living" - or just expressing your creativity - by blogging for one person may result in someone else "wasting time" reading your blog! We all "waste time" sometimes, just like we all have legitimate needs for technology. And sometimes a little "wasting time" on Facebook or reading blogs IS a legitimate need. WHEN we use that technology is up to us, and no one should judge us for it, since they don't know what our life entails. You might just look derisively at a mom "glued to her iPhone" out in public, as you rush home to see the latest episode of "your show" - or shows - on TV. I'm probably the only person in America who has never seen one single episode of "American Idol" or "Dancing With the Stars". I could not pick Simon - whoever he is - out of a line up, and if you ask me if I've "seen that new commercial" the answer will always be no, unless I walked by when my husband was watching TV. I don't watch TV - ever. I love a good movie, but TV - forget it! Does that make me better than you? No! It just means we have different priorities and needs. And I might need to be on my iPhone in public just as much as my husband "needs" to zone out in front of the TV after a stressful day at work. I used to give him a really hard time about his TV habit, until I realized how hypocritical and judgemental that was. He is an intelligent, successful man, a hard worker and a great dad and husband I it's not my job to "decide" when and how he should use TV. But I appreciate the same respect from him and from others about my "technology" usage. Smart phones are NOT the bad guy! Like others have said, my parents didn't have them and they were not nearly as involved in my and my siblings lives as I am with my kids and grandkids, even with my iPhone, iPad and laptop. I hear you on the "go play" line! Or more accurately in my case, "get outside" - just a nicer way to say, "get out of my hair"! Parents have always found ways to ignore their kids - cell phones are no more "evil" than anything else. Just new and different - and maybe a bit "scary" to some people! I love technology - love my iPhone, iPad and laptop! I can tell you it's given me a LOT more time, freedom and flexibility and it's given me more time WITH my family, as well as a much needed break sometimes. And 9 times out of 10 when it rings I will NOT answer it. That's one thing that I love about my iPhone. If it rings while I'm reading to my kids or playing with my grandkids, or in the checkout line somewhere I can screen the call and ignore it if it's not urgent, knowing that when I'M ready to return the call it will only take the touch of a touchscreen to do, unlike my landline, which is a major hassle to use. I NEVER use my landline, for just that reason! And my kids love their gadgets, too. All of my kids from age 6 and up had iPods or itouches and from 10 up had cell phones. Besides being a useful tool, I get the sweetest texts from my youngest daughter, sometimes even while she's in the same room! And as a homeschooling mom I consider my kids' iTouches or my iPhone or iPad as essential tools. Besides all the ways I use them to make homeschooling planning and homemaking easier, my kids use them for all kinds of educational games, educational" music and videos, podcasts and to read and research things. And the books - oh the books! We have literally hundreds of audiobooks in my iTunes library, and my kids listen to them every single day or night (at bedtime) on their iPods. My kids have listened to books like "The Lord of the Rings" and "The Chronicals of Narnia" hundreds of times. That's largely how they learned to read - by listening to audiobooks over and over. And when they learned to read they still continued to listen for pleasure - even my 18 year old still listens to audiobooks on his iPhone every night at bedtime. And the Kindle app on their iPod Touches or iPhones (or my iPad) is nothing short of amazing. My 14 year old adores his kindle app, and prefers kindle books to paper ones - them being so portable. And so many of the really great old classic ones are free. You can't beat that! And as an avid reader who has always taken at least one book (or five!) everywhere I go I adore my Kindle of iPhone app. Now I have 50 or 500 books - for my kids and myself - in my purse at all times - and they don't weigh an ounce over the weight of my iPhone or iPad! I'll always prefer paper books, of course, and we own thousands of them, but kindle books are a very important tool in my homeschooling toolbox. And if you see my 8 year old "plugged in" to his iPod Touch listening to "Peter Pan" or my 14 year old "staring at a screen" reading "The Silmarillion" on his, why oh why would you think them somehow "inferior" to a child who is reading a paper book?! Or think me a bad parent for not being "hands free" or making my kids "hands free", as well? I do think that you have some great insight here on technology, and I respect your choices and the advice you are sharing with others, which I believe is from the heart. And I do think we all need to be aware of how we spend our time - whether it's too much time on the phone, the computer, watching TV, playing video games or whatever. We don't want to look back and feel we've wasted our lives on anything frivolous and stupid, instead of with our families and loved ones. We do need to consciously be aware of how we spend our time, and yes, even put away the cell phone, laptop, book or whatever sometimes. But hands free? I'm not so sure about that. I guess I'm too much of a rebel for that. I'm not good at following rules, especially arbitrary rules that don't make sense to ME or work for MY family. If "hands free" means that "good moms" never use their iPhones in public or never get on their computer when their kids are around then, as a Navy-wife, homeschooling mom of six and grandma of four with a part-time job working with foreign exchange students (which requires some time online, often spur of the moment) and whose kids are ALWAYS around and whose life is crazy and hectic then I guess I am destined to be a "bad" and "non-hands free" mom. I can live with that!